Post for our Easter Angel

Sorry we never got to meet you, but we were really looking forward to it. Since you left us at Easter, I decided that you must be our Easter Angel. I hope that you are somewhere out there, looking out for us. Thank you for giving us some hope.

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I want to have a place to remember our "bambino" and while I am normally a private person, I think that our Easter Angel deserves to be physically remembered somewhere, and I have chosen my blog for that. So I am writing about (with far TMI) the details of the few short days our bambino was with us.
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Was so excited when I found out I was pregnant, I literally peeed (how many e's are necessary there) when I was 1 min late. But I knew even before the pee test that I was pregnant. Week 3 and I had horrible lower back/side pains, which I attributed to sleeping wrong. And I was so tired. After hearing horror stories of pregnant women being turned away from hospitals here when 5 weeks pregnant (already full/not accepting any more pregnant women) I was down at the doctors in week 4. They told me that our bambino was small, only 3mm, but they made it sound like as though it was so early anyway that it wasn't a problem, and to come back in two weeks. I think pregnancy is a bit of a mind game too - as soon as I walked out of the doctors I was nauseous and had to nap every day with K as was so worn out.

Used on of those on-line due date calculators, and the EDD was Nov 21st, which would have been right around J and my 4th wedding anniversary (19th Nov).
Spent two weeks being strong when out shopping - not buying those cute spring/summer t-shirts for myself as I assumed I would be too big to wear them anyway.
Imagined how K would be with a little bro/sis as she loves playing with her dolls at the moment.
Thought about getting a sling this time instead of the stupid nina-nanna carrier I had for K when she was newborn....yep, let my mind run away with lots of baby thoughts.....
Somehow put on nearly 2kg too!! Didn't feel any nausea, but didn't think anything of it, as I never had it with K anyway. Although I did think that putting on weight was a bit wierd - with K I totally lost my appetite, and could only eat nashi for the first few months.

6w2d - back to the doctors. Bambino measured only 15mm, a little gestational sac showed up on the screen, but we couldn't see a heartbeat. The doctors told me again that bambino was very small....(the ultrasound picture had bambino dated as 4w5d size), and I bled a little after the internal exam. There was nothing said outright, but I was told not to rush out and get a 母子手帳, and come back if there was any heavy bleeding or cramping.

Two days later, spotting. Rang doctors and was rudely/abruptly told that nothing would have changed in the two days since my doctors appointment, and to ring again if the bleeding got heavier. Intermident cramping over the next few days, and feeling of "not being pregnant" any more. I was trying so hard to be positive, but I think I already knew that our bambino had left us.

7w5d - suspiciously period-like tummy pains, and an increase in bleeding, although not like period bleeding.

7w7d Rang the doctors in the morning and they said I should come in for a check up, but of course they don't take appointments, and I would have to be there before 11:30am to be seen ,as they don't see anyone in the afternoons. Well, it wasn't possible to get in that day, so waited until early morning to go, and spent hours that night looking up everything about miscarriages and d and cs on the internet.

8wd1 - Friday, April 10th. J came to the doctors with me first thing in the morning.
The doctor did an internal check, but they didn't show me the ultrasound screen. Despite everything, until she actually said the words, I still thought there might be some hope. But she said that the baby had stopped growing at around 4wks, and that it was a missed abortion. Her words hit me like a brick. She said I needed to have a d and c. I asked about other options, but apparently in Japan it is not approved to use medicines to speed up the start of bleeding, and she did not recommend expectant management, especially with having to look after K, in case I needed to be hospitalised in a hurry if there were problems with the natural misscariage. In some ways, I feel that I cheated out bambino by taking the "easy way out" - I thought I wanted to go through the whole process naturally, but now that it is over, I guess the d and c procedure was a good way to have closure. At the hospital I went to, a d and c is an inpatient procedure, where you have to be hospitalised in the afternoon and then have the procedure the next morning, being released later that day. But J had an important business meeting Sat (this) morning that he just couldn't get out of, so there would have been no one to look after K (dont get me started on this....the PIL are away, but only and hour away, and J wouldn't think to ring them to come back to look after k for a few hours.....just shows how TOTALLY alone I am if anything ever happens.......makes me wish I was back in Oz, where at least family and friends around that I know would drop everything and help out)

So I said we would have to wait until sometime next week to book the procedure, but the doctor said that I should have it done as soon as possible, because I could end up miscarriaging naturally before then anyway.....I asked it if was possible to have the procedure as an outpatient. First response - no not possible. Then, after lots of humming and haaaing, they tell me that they could do it! I am really grateful to them for bending the rules for us, something that doesn't happen so much in Japan. It was the same hospital that I gave birth to K in, so they all remembered me, and were all very nice.

10:30am - taken to my room for the day, changed into hospital nightie, had explanation of procedure. shed a few tears when the nurses left.

11:00am - shot in shoulder to relax my muscles. made my mouth all dry.
11:20am - they took me in to have the iv drip inserted
11:25am - drugs to knock me out. but I have a vague recollection of things happening. I "remember" saying "it hurts" during the procedure as I cold feel something, but wonder if that was only in my mind, or if I actually said the words out loud? I "remember" when they had finished, them trying to put the shop bought undies on me, and saying that they were too small (I was so embarrased). I "remember" being moved from the chair to a stretcher, or the strecher to my bed, and the nurse trying to bend my leg....
12:20pm - awoke back in the room, groggy and SOOOOOOO thirsty
13:30pm - the nurse brought around hospital lunch for me. Even though I said I didn't want anything to eat, I scarfed down the less than average soba noodles.
14:30pm - another check, and they said I was ok, so I could get everything ready for discharge
15:30pm - J came back to pick me up, we paid the 21300yen and left.

I was still a bit tired last night and today (had to go back to the doctors this morning for another check up) and have had a nasty headache all day, but a dozen easter eggs last night, and a half a batch of brownies tonight and I am feeling ok.

I made J promise to take me to the local yakitori place tomorrow night - I plan on eating lots of tsukune and 梅じそささみ and drinking a few too many chu-hais.

I don't feel angry or resentful. But I am sad. I think I can actually come to terms with the idea that this time it just wasn't meant to be.

Hopefully somewhere out there our Easter Angel is gonna look out for us - we need you right now!